so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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