Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
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His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
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You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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