Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize