I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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