You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
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That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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