its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Be still, my beating vagina.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize