her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
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You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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