Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
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I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
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Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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