I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
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I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
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And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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