im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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