My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
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You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
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A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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