A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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