I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
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Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
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I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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