Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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