Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
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Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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