I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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