he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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