If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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