Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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