somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
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So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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