i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
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Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
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Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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