I looked at my own cervix.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
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my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
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I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I love you. Go after that dick
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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