someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk walkin through police station. America
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize