"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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