woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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