we have pet lesbian snakes
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize