You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
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The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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