She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
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Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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