I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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