I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
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Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
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Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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