Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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