She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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