This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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