so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
i now understand why vodka
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize