Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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