She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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