Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize