i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
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She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
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You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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