Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
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I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
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You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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