your parents love me but you hate me
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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