I could make wine with my vomit
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize