Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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