i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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