I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
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his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
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You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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