I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm both gender and math confused
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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