having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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