Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
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Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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