Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
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yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
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I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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