nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
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Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
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Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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