I cannot find my penis.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
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At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
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I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize